Where did you get a picture of my penis
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
