I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
