I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
