Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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