Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
