My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
