I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
