I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
