i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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