9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you didnt know i had herpes?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
