great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
