My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
