My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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