Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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