Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
