I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
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