she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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