He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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