hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
