wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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