I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
