is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
