im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
