Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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