She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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