shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
