Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
