I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
