you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
