Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
