I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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