well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
