that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
