3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
