I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
