Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
