At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
