dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
