What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
