I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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