you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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