The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
