Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
