Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
They are going to name an STD after you.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
