This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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