There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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