You just made me feel so damn special
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
This beer is not sobering me up at all
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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