Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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