i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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