Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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