It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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