i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
