hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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